


Lazarus Rising

by AngelicDemonCris



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Castiel Saves Dean Winchester From Hell, Castiel's First Kiss (Supernatural), Castiel's True Form (Supernatural), Dean Winchester in Hell, Dean Winchester's Soul, Dean Winchester's Terrible Life, Homophobic John Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:54:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28962747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelicDemonCris/pseuds/AngelicDemonCris
Summary: “Abandon all hope, you who enter here”A Destiel fanfiction about how the angel Castiel gripped Dean Winchester tight and raised him from perdition.As many other people I refuse to believe in the finale and I kept thinking about Destiel, so I wrote this thinking about how their relationship started. Hope you enjoy.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Destiel
Kudos: 31





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, is my first work here, the first fanfiction I write in like, 7 years, hope it is at least a little bit good. Also, english is not my native language and this is the first time ever I try to write in english. If any of you guys see something that needs to be corrected you can tell me and I will try to fix it.  
> Is going to be short, or I think it will, I know everything I want to do and I already have half of it done.  
> I really hope someone likes it, let me know what you think.

It was dark, that’s for sure. He could barely see two feet in front of him. He could hear the screams, though, even in the distance, even knowing he was far from his goal. He could smell the flesh burning, he could hear the sound of chains being pulled and pushed for desperate souls trying to make it stop, _begging_ for all of it to stop. It was Hell, after all.

The more he walks, the more he can really see things, its shapes and colors. After a while, everything is clear as day. There is a strange red aesthetic to the place, and now he gets why humans think so too.

He walks and walks some more, and actually sees some poor tortured souls along the way. He wonders what they have done to deserve be all the way down there. The angel knows some humans are capable of doing awful things, some are worthy of an eternity of pain, but all of those who ended up (well, down) in Hell have really deserved it?

How many of them were there because they were born at the wrong time? Or not accepting some sort of rules of a religion they didn’t believe in? Or because of a deal?

Sure, they shouldn’t go out there selling their souls for things, but at least _some_ of them did it for a good cause, right? And shouldn’t them have another chance? Not go to Heaven right away, but at least be given the chance of redemption.

He wants to stop and ask every single soul what they did to be there and maybe he could also save some of them. And right after this thought crosses his mind, he regrets it. He is no God; he can’t decide who goes to Heaven or Hell. He has a rightful Father that knows everything He does for the Universe is right, is _fair._ Is wrong to be questioning his Father’s will, even with Him being away for so long, to what Castiel knows He must have a good reason, and sooner or later, He _will_ be back, **_right?_**

The angel washes all of those thoughts away. He has to concentrate, he has a mission, one that was given by Heaven, he needs to save Michael’s true vessel. He doesn’t agree with what they’re doing even though Heaven has a plan. He knows The Apocalypse must happen; Lucifer has to be freed so Michael can kill him, for good this time.

Castiel doesn’t _agree_ with any of this, but he isn’t part of the decision making, he’s a soldier. A really good one. Other angels have been send to do this, but most of them were killed or didn’t go all the way to the end of the mission and were either: ashamed for backing off, or crazy enough to kill themselves.

Still, Castiel is one of the very best. He knows glory, he has succeeded in countless battles, and he _will_ save Dean Winchester.


	2. CHAPTER 1 - FRAUD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait until I had the whole fic done, but is Dean's birthday and I had to do something.  
> Enjoy

The mission was starting to get to Castiel’s mind, and body. It still fells awkward to be in a human vessel. Jimmy Novak stays quiet and dormant for most of the time, especially after Castiel told him they were going to Hell, humans can’t cope with this most of the time. On top of that, it has been a long time since the angel needed a vessel, but they figured angels entering Hell with theirs true forms would cause some talk among the demons.

The things Castiel has seen are making him understand why so many of his siblings couldn’t live with themselves after the experience. He feels sorry about it, he misses them, and more than anything he wishes they never had to go through that.

But he’s almost there, seven of The Circles of Hell were past him now. One more step and he would be were Dean Winchester was, hopeful before the first seal was broken.

Here, all the things he could hear, smell and feel back in the beginning of his journey are stronger, louder. He remembers himself that this was one of the deepest circles in perdition, and that should be warning enough for him to be prepared to this.

A scream of pure agony passes through him, a sound that could only be heard in Hell, the pain in that scream made Castiel feel his vessel be filled with goosebumps. When he can finally find the source from where the sound came from, his hopes are drained, at the same time that he can’t understand what is happening.

In his mind, he knows, deep down, what he was seeing meant the first seal had been broken. But how? How all of that light, all of that beauty, was capable of causing so much pain? All he could see was an almost blinding golden light, with spots of green evolving it.

-No…- Castiel whispered under his breath

That had to be Dean, but Castiel has never seen such a gorgeous soul before. That was supposed to be the human who would be responsible for starting The Apocalypse? That human was the one torturing other souls in Hell? The angel can understand the part of the first seal being broken by a righteous man, with such a beautiful soul it was easy to see it, but what have the demons done to him? What could they do to the point where he couldn’t take it anymore, to the point of him to give up?

-What? Alastair thinks I’m ready to teach already? It was about damn time. Take a seat; we have all the time in the world and this pathetic, annoying, whining little bitch will be the class of today.

-No, my name is

-Look, pal, I couldn’t care less about your name, just watch, don’t get in the way and let me do my job, alright?

-My name is Castiel, I’m an angel of The Lord.

With that, Dean stopped what his was doing to that poor soul, and for the first time, he looked directly to where Castiel was standing. After a short time, Dean stared to laugh.

-Why are you laughing? Be quiet, this could ruin the mission.

-Man, Alastair just don’t get tired of messing with me, does he? I know you’re probably just some filth demon who’s Alastair’s little bitch and will do anything he tells you to do, but the joke is over, lemme get back to my job, ok? – With that, he turned his attention back to the soul, that started gasping again – But you were creative with the made up name, I’ll give you that.

-I’m not a demon, I told you, I’m an angel of The Lord and my mission is to take you out of here. It would be best if you just come with me.

-Seriously man, back off, joke’s over. Go do your thing and let me get back to mine.

-But you are Dean Winchester…

- _Great, a groupie_. Yes, I’m Dean Freaking Winchester, that’s why you should do what I tell you to do, I have no problem torturing souls, torturing a demon would be like a bonus.

-Listen to me, we need to get out of here before other demons get here and see me, I can’t keep killing them, is starting to bring up attention that is not needed.

-Killing demons? In Hell? What are you on, dude?

-For the last time, I’ve told you, I’m an angel, and you must come with me.

-What are you talking about?

-Come and I will explain. You don’t need to do this anymore, I’m here to save you from this misery. You don’t have to torture anyone.

-I’m not going anywhere. You see, you talk as if what I’m doing is hurting me, bothering me. As if I’m sick or something, like I need a cure. Guess what? If that’s what this is about, _I like the disease_ – now Dean looks around, trying to find Alastair somewhere, he would probably be laughing – I told you, Alastair, I’m in it, stop trying to torture me, it won’t work.

-Why are you talking to Alastair? He is not here, but he will if you keep calling him. Now, come with me.

At this point, Castiel is close to Dean, and he puts a hand on his shoulder to make him start walking, but almost in the same second, Dean stabs him between his chest and his shoulder. After no signs of pain, Dean gets even more confused. He has been confused since the moment this guy walked in. Mental torture wasn’t Alastair’s thing, the man likes to cause physical pain, as much as its possible in Hell. So why give Dean hope to get out of there just to crush everything right before he gets out?

However, after the supposed demon didn’t even flinched, Dean was more confuse than ever.

-Are you done? I’m not a demon, come with me, please, we need to go.

-Go where? – Somehow, Dean still had hope. It was just a little, almost dying spot of light inside of him, but he clung himself in that hope – It’s Hell, there’s no way out of here.

-How do you think the demons you and your brother hunt go up to Earth? Of course there’s a way out. Trust me.

-I don’t know you, how can I trust you? You won’t even tell me what you are.

-You need to have faith, then. And how hard it is for you to understand? I’m an angel. I’m sure I’m speaking your language.

-Angels don’t exist.

-Yes, we do, but we can discuss this after we get you out of the sight of Alastair. Now, Dean.

There’s a moment where they lock eyes. Dean doesn’t know why, but something inside of him tells, _begs_ him to believe and just go with Castiel. What kind of name is that, by the way?

-Okay.

They get out of the place were Alastair put Dean to torture souls, Dean sees some demons he used to know dead in their way out, and the instinct makes him look carefully to Castiel. If he killed all those demons alone, how dangerous can he be?

-What’s the plan?

-Well, once we get pass the circles I will put you back in…

-Circles?

-Yes, The Circles of Hell. I’m sure you’re familiar with each one of them.

-Hum, no.

-What do you mean, no?

-I mean, I don’t know squat you’re talking ‘bout.

-That is bad.

-Yeah, the guy who’s supposed to help me out saying this is the highlight of my day, thanks.

-This mean they put you back together, you will have to pass through all of them, again.

-Seriously dude, you’re not helping any of this make sense.

-Hell is divided in 9 Circles. The last one is where Lucifer is, trapped in the cage. You were in Circle 8, Fraud. Is where people who have deceived and manipulated others go, such as sexual manipulators, gamblers, people who create false money. They go there to get tortured by demons for eternity. Usually. I’m supposing they made an exception so you would be one of the torturers, they needed it to be you doing the torture.

-So Hell is divided in Circles? Like, Dante’s kind of stuff? Divine Comedy? Really?

-So you’re familiar with it? Good. Dante was one of the prophets of the Lord.

-Prophet of the Lord?

-You seem to have a problem with everything that is connect with God.

-Yes, because there is no such a thing as God.

-You shouldn’t be saying this.

-Even if He were real, which I doubt, why would He send a said angel to get _me_ out of the pit?

- _What’s the matter?_ – the angel still can’t understand why the human was having so much trouble believing he was there to save him. Looking deep in his soul, he can see. Castiel sees everything. – _You don’t think you deserve to be saved?_

The look of shame in Dean’s eyes was clear. Of course he didn’t think he deserve to be save. He was just a guy, he saved some people here and there, but he did a whole lot of terrible things too. He sold his soul to bring his brother back from the dead. Why would he be worthy of a second chance?

-Dean, you don’t see it?

-See what?

-Here, let me help you. – Two of his fingers touched the man’s forehead, and somehow Dean felt the room (at least it looked like one) be filled with some kind of light. It took a couple of minutes for him to notice that the light was coming from him. Some gold and green, but his eyes immediately found the black and red on it too. Like big and ugly scars, craved in what he supposes is his soul.

-What’s this?

-It’s your soul, Dean – Castiel says with a soft smile, happy that it worked and that Dean could finally see the beauty of his soul.

Dean on the other hand, feels like the worst possibility have become true. So that’s how his soul look like?

-That’s supposed to make me feel better? Look at this, it’s all shattered, very obviously from all the horrible things I’ve done.

And for the first time, Castiel saw what Dean was talking about. Pieces of his soul were marked, like he’s went through a lot.

-I’m sorry, Dean, I didn’t notice it before, but don’t worry, it’s only proof that you had a lot to deal with in your life.

-You didn’t notice? What did you see? It’s the most noticeable thing here.

-No, it is not. Dean, even with those scars, your soul is one of the purest ones I have ever seen. Its light and colors make it very clear how much love and devotion you have. It is almost as a book where I can read you. All the caring, selfless things you have done. They are all there, in your soul.

-Can you stop it?

-I’m sorry, I don’t understand, what do you want me to st…

-Stop see it? Make me stop see it too?

-I…

-Can you do it?

-Yes, Dean, I can.

-Then do it. I don’t want some stranger looking into my soul and saying things about it, and I certainly don’t wanna see this ugly thing myself while I have to go all the way through Hell.

-It’s not ugly, Dean…

-Just do it. Now.

With another touch, the light vanishes. Castiel has a concerned look in his face now. Does Dean really don’t see his real soul? Just the part that suffered? And why does he thinks it is ugly?

-What else can you tell me? Those Circles, they are what? Rooms? We just have to walk through the doors?

-No.

-Of course not.

There’s a moment of silence.

-Do you mind elaborate?

-Sorry. Each Circle of Hell contains and punishes one kind of sin. Like I said, Circle 8 is about Fraud. Circle 7 is about Violence, to others, to themselves, against God. Circle 6 is Heresy, Circle 5 is Wrath, Circle 4 is Greed, Circle 3 is Gluttony, Circle 2 is Lust and Circle 1 is some sort of limbo, where pagans who lived morally lives are, Heaven couldn’t take them, neither did Hell.

-And after we pass through all of those circles, we’re out?

-We still have to pass through the Ante Inferno.

-And that is?

-Is a place for people and angels that couldn’t chose between good and bad, Heaven and Hell, so they stay there and are torment into making decisions. Since you don’t remember The Circles, I’m assuming they put you back together, like I said, and you will go through all the punishments, again. Everyone in the Ante Inferno is distract enough for me to put you back together.

-You keep talking about putting me back together. What does that means?

-Dean, go through all of that will break your soul. Piece by piece, but it will. I will need to put all of it back together and then reconstruct your human body.

-What? Hell no! This sound painful

-It is the only way out.

-It has to be another way.

-There isn’t another way. I wish you didn’t have to do all of it again.

-Can you even put my body back together? Sammy cremated me, and it was a long time ago, years.

-Your brother didn’t cremate you. And you have been dead for four months.

-What? – Dean whispers under his breath. That’s too much to take in. – Four months?

-I can see why it doesn’t seem to make sense. Time is different in Heaven and Hell.

-That’s not possible.

-Be honest, Dean, what in your life feels like is possible?

Dean’s mind have been going a thousand miles per hour since they left the torture room, but now it seems to be impossible for Dean to understand any kind of information.

-Ok, stop. I don’t understand.

-Tell me what you don’t understand. Maybe I can help clarify it.

-All the pain I went through, all those years being tortured, were not years?

-That is correct from a human perspective. Your soul feel the years, but your consciousness doesn’t.

-So 30 years being tortured and 10 years torturing were, what? Three and one month?

-Actually, almost nine years in the last part, it will take us what will feel to you one year to get out of here. That is the closest conversion for human perception of time I can give to you.

-And Sammy didn’t give me the hunter funeral?

-As far as we know, no.

-Why?

-We are not sure. It seems that your brother was trying to bring you back to life.

-So you are here because of him?

-No, we have our own motives.

-Right, about that. You always say “we”. There’re more like you?

-Yes, I have many siblings.

-And you are an angel?

-Like I have said many times, yes.

-If you guys are real, then why none of you bastards have ever helped us?

-We are _agents_ of fate, we don’t _decide_ fate. Angels have tried not to walk among humans for nearly 2000 years.

-Then why start now?

-Because of The Apocalypse.

-The what!?

-The Apocalypse.

-Like in the freaking Bible?

-Close enough to it, yes.

-And what do I have to do with any of this?

-In order for The Apocalypse to start, 66 seals must be broken. You broke the first one, Dean.

-I didn’t…

- _“The first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in Hell. As he breaks, so shall it break.”_ Dean, the moment you tortured a soul in Hell, the first seal broke. They have 65 seals to go. And we need to stop it.

-Why me?

-You broke the first one, you are the only one who can stop it.

-Who’s behind it?

-Lilith.

A shiver passes through Dean’s spine. She was there with Alastair in some moments. She would also offer him a way out of his misery. He said no, for 30 years. The things they did to him…

-If I go with you, we stop The Apocalypse, and I can kill Lilith?

-Is not going to be easy, but yes.

-Let’s do this. I still don’t trust you, but I can’t wait to get the hell out of, well, Hell.


	3. CHAPTER 2 - VIOLENCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Circle of Violence, where Dean faces everything violent that has ever happen to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we will see some of John Winchester's A+ parenting.  
> Repeat after me: all my homies hate John Winchester. Fuck him.   
> Hope you enjoy.

Dean and Castiel were on their way to get out of Hell, and somehow they didn’t stumbled in many demons, the few they happened to see would be terrified of the angel, and Castiel would kill them with the very touch of his hand.

-So Cas-- can I call you Cas? – Dean didn’t ask people if they were ok with nicknames, but after seeing how easily the angel put demons to a nap, he certainly didn’t want to piss him off.

-Is a shorted version of my name, but still part of my name, I suppose you can call me that, yes.

-Ok, so how does the “breaking my soul” part of this yellow brick road back to Earth works?

-I don’t know where you are seeing a road made of yellow bricks, but the other part of your question… Hell is a place where not only you are judge for your sins, but you have to face them. As if your mistakes and fears could personalize in front of you.

-Great. So what, everything I did that goes against the Bible can punch me in the face?

-They may punch you, but more than that, they will torture you deep enough for part of your soul not be able to cope with it and just… separate from the rest.

-And how exactly are you going to put me back?

-I’m an angel, so everything that makes Hell be, well, Hell, will be focused on you, a human. Those things are going to confront _you,_ not me, at least not until I try to interfere. You will fight and I will be close enough to collect that piece of your soul inside of the Custosanimaer.

-The what?

-Custosanimaer. It can hold pieces of your soul until we get to the Ante Inferno.

-I’m telling you man, once I get out of here I’m taking Latin classes, all of this crap would make more sense.

-It could be helpful considering your occupation.

-So my soul will be divide like freaking Voldemort. If you ever meet him, don’t tell Sam I know this.

-I don’t know what Voldemort is.

-Forget it. – A minute of silence between them while Dean tries to prepare himself for what he has to do to get out of Hell. – So, Cas, angels are a thing, huh? What do you guys do, play harp in fluff clouds for the past 2000 years?

- _I don’t have a harp._ We _try_ not to walk among you as much as possible, but sometimes it is necessary. We have battles. We do our best to protect humankind.

-Not doing a great job, then.

-I’m starting to doubt your cognitive ability to understand and remember what I tell you. We only interfere when extremely necessary. Humanity also has to be accountable for the decisions that are made _by_ humans. We have battles, but they are not always the same as yours.

Dean couldn’t care less to said battles. It wouldn’t kill them to check up once in a while, right? Take care of some wars, cure some diseases…

They walked for some more time; Dean didn’t trust his own mind to keep track of it anymore.

-Hey, Cas?

-Yes?

-What is this Circle we’re goin’ into about?

-Violence.

-You need to elaborate this kind of information, buddy. What I will have to face?

-You are the only one that can know. Violence is not just about physically hurting someone. Is about any kind of violence in your life. To others, to yourself, both of them being creations of my Father, therefore, the violence is against God, too. I will be able to see it once we get there, but only you can know what you might have to face before we are actually inside of it.

If being in Hell wasn’t enough to give someone shivers, hearing this was.

Dean’s life have always been violent. Every second of it, from the way his mother was murdered to the way he died as hellhound’s food.

-We are getting closer, you need to prepare yourself, Dean.

The weird little guy says that like it was easy, like Dean have done this a thousand times. Maybe he has.

They enter the Circle 7. At first, Dean thinks Cas was wrong, that they just had to keep walking until they were back to Earth, but within seconds, his mind is filled with noise, people screaming, and then he could recognize his own voice in the middle of all those fights.

Dean could listen and see all the fights he ever got into. To protect Sam, to protect himself. Silly fights he had when he was still in school, fights he would get himself into when he was drunk at some random bar, the ones that came with the job. All the monsters he had to put down.

He doesn’t know how, but some of the fights, some of the people and the monsters were there, right in front of him, passing through him, leaving him feeling like he was being cut and burn over and over again, sometimes he could feel like someone actually punched him. His body tried to fight back, but he couldn’t reach them.

-Dean, fight back! Remember _why_ you had to pick up those fights. You are a good man. You had _reasons_ to fight. Remember your motives, now!

He heard Cas’s voice shouting at him.

-Focus in each fight and remember.

He tried to do what Cas said. All the fights he had at school because people were calling him and Sam freaks, he focused in each one of them, one by one. He did the same with the fights against monsters.

Silence.

When Dean thought it was over, a bunch of memories of his life did the same thing the fights did. There was a lot of noise, and the memories started to gain form again.

Never taking care of what was inside of his head, just as John taught him, he never thought it would cost a price. They were memories of his father drunk, miserable, right after Mary died. John screaming that they would never have a home, or rest, not until they found what killed Mary. The first time he saw John kill someone, in front of him when he was just four years old. All the times John made him repeat that he was the one responsible to make sure Sammy was safe. How he learned how a gun worked at the age of five, how to shoot at six. All the times after that, when John was drunk and would mumble how Sam is different and that he didn’t have the killer instinct he and Dean had.

Dean could feel all the times he ended up burnt because he had to make sure Sam had something to eat while John was away, but Dean was still too young to know how to cook properly.

John’s voice and image was persistent and kept screaming, he should know how to adapt to the life of hunting because that’s what good soldiers do, they adapt. How good soldiers couldn’t hesitate like he did when Sam almost died when he was five and Dean was nine, how it would be his fault if that happened. How John would grab him until his skin turned way more white because he let Sam talk to a stranger and his job was to protect Sam.

He could feel all of that at once. Then it became worst. The first time he killed someone, when he was just twelve years old. That made Dean fall to his knees. He didn’t want to, but John made him, he said it was to protect them, that it was the right thing to do, and he did, like a good soldier, even when everything inside of him told him it was wrong.

Outside from all of it, Cas could see Dean’s pain. His soul was visible the second Violence took over. He could see how hurt Dean was from all of it, how he was doing his best to fight back, but the first time Dean killed was the breaking point to a piece of his soul. Cas got closer and collect the hurt part of Dean that couldn’t take it. Still, Dean kept fighting all of the violence that was thrown at him.

The last one was when Dean had to stole food and was caught by the cops. How John didn’t want anything to do with Dean and abandoned him for months. How much he wanted to stay with the new life he had but he was forced to go back to John because after all those years, he knew it was his job to take care of Sam, and Sam would never be safe alone with John, not until he could defend himself.

Silence.

Cas was ready to help Dean out so they could keep going, but something else was in the way, the angel could feel it blocking the way out. Dean hadn’t face everything.

-Dean, there is something else.

-No fucking way. That was it. I can’t fight anything else.

-Dean there is something left, you need to fight it, if you don’t, it will start all over again. Please.

-There’s nothing left!

-There is and you know it.

Dean looked deep inside of Castiel’s eyes. How was it possible to have _more?_ Dean couldn’t remember it.

Fireworks. The silence was filled with the sound of fireworks, and random people shouting “Happy New Year”. And Dean saw, for the first time in years, he saw something he was blocking so deep inside of him that he didn’t remember it happened at all.

It was 2000. Finally. Something made Dean feel like things would change just like the millennium did, and so he allowed himself to do something he wanted to do for a very long time. He kissed someone. He kissed someone at midnight, like so many people do. The problem was: John saw it. John saw Dean kiss another man. That almost got Dean dead. John was furious. He was uncontrollable. The things he said… That, combined with had to be the worst beating John ever got him. Even worse than the time Sam ran away on his watch. He couldn’t move for a few days.

Dean could feel everything all over again in his body, and he didn’t what to fight back. He was tired. He didn’t want to remember this. He also didn’t want to remember all the times John got drunk and remembered that and all the horrible things and actions would happen again. He thought about given up on a hunt several times after this, making it easy for the monsters to kill him. Maybe he still had a chance of redemption. But if his father were right, he would go to Hell and he didn’t want to risk it. He was already in hell, but if he was alive, at least he could save some people and of course, take care of Sammy.

Cas hold Dean. Another piece of his soul falling apart. John’s voice got louder by the second.

-Dean, please fight back.

-I can’t, Cas. Is too much.

-Yes you can. Please. Fight back. You have to fight back.

Dean did it. Almost out of breath, almost fainting, but he did.

Silence.


	4. CHAPTER 3 - HERESY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Circle of Heresy, where Dean faces some old enemies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have a little bit of Dean and Cas getting to know each other and Dean slightly changes how he sees Cas from now on.   
> Let me know what you think.

Dean was weak. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He knew his life was messed up, but relive all of that at once really hits different.

-Dean, are you alright?

-No, I’m not Cas.

It was unexpected, but Dean started crying. He almost never cries. But how could he not? Everything, all the weigh that was on his shoulders for his whole life felt heavier.

Cas knew humans could feel with an impressive intensity, and that Dean was vulnerable, with not only his traumas being thrown at him all at once, but also in front of a stranger. He didn’t know a lot about how humans actually feel, but he could comprehend that it wasn’t comfortable. At all.

-Do you think you can walk?

Dean slowly recovered. He could feel Castiel holding him tight, but the last memory he just watched made the green-eyed man stand on his feet, faster than he should, making his vision dizzy.

-Dean! – The angel tried to reach him, but before he could get to him, Dean made a sign for him to keep his distance.

-Yeah, get off of me, I still know how to stand!

-I’m sorry, I just wanted to be helpful.

-Yeah, why you didn’t try that earlier? You know, when I had to face every moment of violence in my life.

-Only you could face that. If it’s consolation, I would give anything for you not have to face that. – Dean looks down, suddenly guilty for yelling. Then, a thought crosses his mind.

-Is this goin’ to happen in each Circle?

-In different ways, but yes, essentially.

-Then forget about it! I’m not goin’ through that again.

-Dean…

-I said no!

-We are talking about The Apocalypse. Lucifer walking the Earth, billions will die. You are our only hope.

-Nice, now I’m Obi-Wan freaking Kenobi. – Cas tilted his head to the side.

-No, you are still Dean Winchester.

-Somehow that’s worse.

-I don’t understand why being you would be bad.

-You’re kidding, right? Did you not see all that crap?

-Yes, your life had traumatizing moments, but somehow you managed to go through all of it and remain pure. It takes a lot to do that.

-I’m anything but pure – The hunter said a little bit flustered.

-Take a look at yourself, Dean.

Dean’s soul was on display again. And again he focused on the black and red part, while all Cas could see was gold and green.

-I told you to stop looking at my soul, Cas.

-I can’t do it when you’re fighting, but if it makes you more comfortable now, let me. – another feathery forehead touch and the light was gone. – We should keep going, if we wait here long enough it will start again.

-No way I’m seeing that again, let’s go.

They started walking again. It was going to be a long journey. Fortunately, neither of them needed to sleep or eat, or any physical human thing. Except Dean was still essentially human, so he could go without talking just for some time. He wanted to talk, especially if it would distract him from the sound Hell makes.

-Hey, Cas? How can an angel look like someone who’s an accountant?

-This is a vessel. – Dean suddenly stopped

-You’re _possessing_ some poor bastard?

-Is not like a demonic possession, if this is what you are thinking. Angels need permission. This man is very religious, he prayed for this.

-Then how come there isn’t thousands of fanatics being an angelic condom? A lot of them ask for this, don’t they?

-Well, we didn’t need it for a very long time, like I said. And it can’t be anyone, there are certain bloodlines for each angel.

-That sounds complicated.

-What _isn’t?_

-True.

They would stop talking for a while, and start over again while walking.

-Dean, can I ask you something?

-Sure.

-Was that an enemy?

-Who?

-The man you kissed, your father seemed mad, and that memory alone took a whole piece of your soul. Was him an enemy and you didn’t know? – Dean froze in his inside

-Don’t wanna talk about it, Cas.

-My apologies, I was trying to understand.

A moment passed and Dean sighed. Apparently, Cas didn’t understand a lot of human things and was curious. But how to explain that when even Dean couldn’t understand it?

-He wasn’t. My dad just… didn’t like it, I guess.

-Weren’t you the one involved in that interaction? I suppose you are the one expected to enjoy it. – A sad laugh left Dean’s lips.

-A lot of people don’t see it that way. My dad wanted me to be a real man for the family business.

-Men involved in homosexual relationships are still real men.

-I know, is just, _he_ didn’t see it that way. You’re an angel, aren’t you guys supposed to follow the Bible? No homos?

-The Bible have been translated wrongly several times over the years, I believe the passage you are referring to is about pedophiles. My Father, my siblings and I are indifferent about sexual orientation.

A confused grin crosses Dean’s face. Talking about it was giving him a headache. He knew deep down how he felt, who he was, but his whole life pointed to the other direction and after that New Years, Dean did everything to keep those feelings buried and hided, even from himself. _Especially_ from himself.

-It isn’t wrong, you know that now, don’t you? – Cas said after some time.

-Yeah, sure. Is just, I don’t think I could do it without thinking about my dad beating me up. Why am I being so open about all of this?

-Hell lowers your inhibitions.

-That makes sense, I think.

-I think you should try to deal with it when you go back. Your father’s actions and believes shouldn’t define you.

-Easier said than done.

-I suppose.

-And we’ll be dealing with The Apocalypse, I will be focused in more important things.

-The Apocalypse might kill you, you should definitely try to deal with it before it happens.

-Thanks, that was smooth.

Reality dragged Dean back to his head. He could die. Again. In The Apocalypse. If anyone told him this even two years ago he would shoot the son of a bitch. Well, if two years were Earth years. He didn’t know what was worse, stay in Hell or going back to fight and possibly die and go to Hell again. Even with Heaven being real, that’s not where he’s going after this, is it? Is Heaven even real? Cas is an angel, he has siblings and apparently God is real too, so Heaven exists, right?

-So… back to you. If what I’m seeing is a vessel, what do you really look like?

-I’m some sort of energy. Even though I don’t have a soul, what I’m made of can resemble a human soul, but bigger. And wings, you don’t have wings.

-You have wings? Real ones? Like, with feathers and all?

-Yes.

-Can I see them?

-What? No.

-Why not?

-It could bring up attention of demons.

-We haven’t see one of them for a while now. C’mon man, you saw my soul, is nothing but fair.

Cas looked around. Maybe if they were quick… That could make Dean trust him more, maybe even realize how beautiful _his_ soul is. At the end of the line, they both are creations of his Father, right?

-Ok, stay back or else it might hurt you.

Dean did as he was told. He couldn’t deny, he was so curious. An angel, right in front of him. A nice one, as far as he could tell.

A really white and blue light took over the space they were in. Dean could see some spots of silver lights, almost like stars in the night sky, and right after, Cas stretched his wings. They were beautiful, somehow they had every color of the rainbow, changing between them so smoothly, Dean felt like he could see Cas’s real form forever. He was absolutely stunning.

After a while, Cas felt uncomfortable, he never showed himself for a human before. And Dean didn’t say anything, so he started feel something he didn’t know yet, something like nervousness. He went back to his vessel.

-No! Why? – Dean was lost in words. He didn’t know what to say, he just knew he wanted to see Cas – Do it again.

-Dean we should keep going…

-But…

-We don’t have time.

-Right – Dean still felt dizzy and just… amazed, but Cas was right, they should keep going, and that’s what they did.

Now Dean’s mind was torn in two. One part was thinking about what else he would face in Hell, and then what he will face when he’s back on Earth. The other part was thinking non stop about how Cas was beautiful, how he never saw anything like it, how now he wish he’d touched his wings, the only part that seemed physically touchable. Castiel was the opposite of what Dean ever believed in his life and it was difficult to his mind to understand that, but it was the facts. Cas is real, and he’s an angel. An _angel_ who was sent to Hell to _save_ Dean.

-How is it like? Being an angel?

Cas didn’t know quite how to explain it. But Dean seemed interested in whatever he decided to say. And the memory of him _wanting_ to see his true form was still in Cas’s mind.

-Is like being a soldier. I have siblings, and each one of us have responsibilities, some of us supervise others. Ishim commanded me once, he’s a good friend, but something happened to him, something _changed_ him. Anna used to be my superior for more time, but she fell, now Zachariah is my direct commander. I command some angels myself, like Uriel. He’s the funniest, you would like him.

-I’m sure I would. You said this Anna fell?

-Yes. She rebelled, she choose not to be an angel anymore.

-You can do that?

-I would never! Rebel is something we shouldn’t even consider. Is exactly what Lucifer did.

-Than she died or something?

-We don’t know, we think so. She lost her grace, and we couldn’t find her on Earth, so that is probably what happened. I miss her, though.

-I’m sorry.

-Is ok.

-What else can you tell me? You said you’re a soldier?

-Yes, a warrior. A good one, I like to think. I have won some important battles as a commander and warrior. That is why they sent me. Other tried and failed, died, so they were hoping I could do it.

-Sorry for the others who couldn’t make it.

-Is ok, Dean. Is not your fault.

-Yes it is. You said I broke the first seal.

-We were trying to get to you way before that. In fact, I was still hoping I would get to you before it happened.

-I shouldn’t have surrendered.

-Dean, you were tortured by Alastair, Hell’s best torturer, and Lilith herself. No one expected you not to surrender.

-Yeah, whatever.

-What about you? You only have Sam as family, right?

-Yes and no. The only blood family, but still there’s Bobby, who’s like a father to me. Ellen and Jo are good friends too, feels like family. Ash was a good guy too, but he died. Damn, I miss that crazy guy, he was a genius.

-But they are not your real family.

-Real family is whoever is there for you, Cas. Blood isn’t all there’s out there.

-I think I understand that.

They walked some more, time was useless for Dean ever since Cas told him how it worked in Hell.

-Dean?

-Yeah.

-We are getting close again.

Dean’s chest felt heavy, but what could he do? He knew he had to go through that. He was praying for it to be easier to go by.

When they entered Circle 6, Dean was surprised. Edward and Madge were there. In the flesh.

-You sons of a bitch!

-Still cursing, my dear? Haven’t we talked about it? On Earth, here…

-He may remember Earth my love, but he doesn’t remember here, putting him back is part of his torture.

-Oh dear me, you’re right. So shall we begin?

-Not yet, darling. The other one doesn’t look like a demon.

The couple of pagan Gods looked deeper.

-It can’t be! You are an angel, aren’t you?

-Huh, Cas? Didn’t you pass through this Circle to get me? Why are they surprised?

-I know how to hide, Dean. Strategy, warrior in command, remember? But is hard to hide a human soul, especially _your soul,_ they really want to keep you here.

-Are we done with all the talk? You don’t think we are letting you get out.

-And we’re not asking.

The couple look at each other, unimpressed, like all of it was boring and they would get what they wanted, one way or another.

Cas put himself in front of Dean. He kept his vessel, but put his wings on display. They mesmerized Dean once again.

-Not that I want to, but I’m not the one who’s supposed to fight this?

-Each Circle is different, and I have different orders to each one of them. Here is not about _your_ mistakes and sins, is a matter of faith. I’m supposed to protect you too, you know?

A fight started. They really wanted to get to Dean, and Cas was doing everything he could to not let them. He wasn’t supposed to tell Dean how to pass this Circle, it was important to him to figure it out on his own, he had to have faith. All Castiel could do was buy him some time.

Madge managed to get to Dean.

-Now, I think we have unfinished business between us, boy. – Then she stopped. – You’re different. Something changed, you didn’t look like this the last time you were here… - Dean didn’t know what the crazy bitch was talking about, but he subconsciously looked at Cas, who’s fighting Edward. Madge followed his gaze – Oh, isn’t this adorable? The pretty angel gave you _faith?_ What, just because he has sweet eyes you suddenly believe in God? Aren’t you a romantic, to think someone so stunning like him can only be a true creation of God?

Dean’s eyes showed his confusion.

-I’m a Goddess, and we are in Hell, boy, I can read your mind, I can see your soul. Do you think he can’t? All this melancholy, this self-hatred, all the obvious daddy issues… Do you think he see you in any different way he sees an ant? He’s _an angel._ And you are just a broken, pathetic human.

Dean didn’t realize Cas killed Edward, he only came back from his trance when Madge was killed too. Cas notice in time to take a piece of Dean’s soul, even though he didn’t hear what Madge said to break it.


	5. CHAPTER 4 - WRATH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Circle of Wrath, where Dean faces somethings he wish never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the name of the chapter being wrath, guess who is back? Tip: all my homies hate him.   
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

-Dean, are you ok?

-I just had a piece of my soul torn apart, Cas. But, yeah, overall it was better than the last Circle. We should keep goin’, right?

-Yes. Are you sure you are alright? We can wait a little if you need to recover.

-There’s no need to wait, let’s go, Cas.

Cas was confused, but he didn’t questioned Dean. They stared walking again.

-Just so I can prepare, what’s next?

-Wrath. It will probably be close to what happened in Violence.

-Oh come on, I just said I was ok _because_ it wasn’t like that Circle.

-I know… I really wish you didn’t have to deal with it again.

-Thanks, Cas. – The hunter couldn’t help but feel something flowering inside of him, having an angel so worried about what he was feeling was definitely something else. Okay, he was sure he shouldn’t be thinking like this, so he focused in something else that was bothering him. - So… I understand you angels try not to interfere, but I assume you guys at least know what happens?

-Almost everything is compartmentalized between the angels, including information. None of us need to know everything that’s going to happen, just enough.

-Do you guys know what is up with Sammy? – Castiel slowed down a bit, looking down. – You know, don’t you? Tell me.

-Dean, I can’t, you can’t know until is time.

-Castiel tell me what’s up with my brother or so help me God…

-What? What can _you_ do to _me_? – that sounded rawer and meaner than Cas intended. He could tell by the way Dean looked down, with a mix of shame, fear, _wrath._ – I didn’t meant to sound like this.

-Only you did, Cas. Is ok, I get it, you’re an angel, I’m just an annoying human who’s demanding things.

-You are not annoying, I just can’t tell you this information. Is an order.

-And you can’t break an order ever once in a while?

-No. Doing so is close to rebellion. It might become a habit, so we don’t do it.

-I get it, but is my little brother we’re talking ‘bout here. Please, Cas.

Castiel didn’t say anything for some time. He shouldn’t share what he knows about it, but he could understand what it feels like to want to protect a brother. He still wasn’t sure if Dean trusted him, so maybe sharing things would make it easier for him.

-What you want to know?

-Why didn’t you guys stop Azazel? I get that you try to do this only when necessary, but a demon bleeding inside of children to transform them into something more than normal humans isn’t worth of a visit from you guys?

-We tried. We knew what he was doing, but no matter what we did, he still won. We don’t even know _why_ he was doing it. He was old, really old, what equals powerful. We really tried to stop him, we just couldn’t do it.

-Oh

-It doesn’t feel good, you know? We, as angels, are not used to lose.

-So, sore losers. You guys crying over losing a battle is how rain happens?

-No. Rain is a physical event of…

-I know, Cas, I was just joking.

-Oh.

They didn’t talk much this time. Something changed how they see each other. Cas was thinking about what Madge could have said to break Dean’s soul, he wanted to ask, but he felt like if he did, Dean wasn’t going to be open or honest about it. He also wonders if Dean is starting to see himself. Truly see how pure his soul is. The angel also wanted to talk about it, but his soul was one more thing Dean showed not to want to talk about.

Dean on the other hand still could see Cas’s true form marked in his brain. So bright, so beautiful, so… divine. Dean also was thinking about what Madge said, and how Cas talked to him with a tone that proved her right. Cas was an angel, he was a human, and as soon as they walked out of Hell, they would face The Apocalypse, even if they survived, Dean probably would never see Cas again.

-We are getting close.

-Hate when you say that, here we go.

When they entered Circle 5, it happened faster than the others Circles did. Cas was right, this was going to look like Violence, cause Dean could see John Winchester standing right in front of him.

-Dad? Is this really you? Or just a memory?

-We are in Hell and I’m going to torture you, demon didn’t cross your mind? You’re getting’ lazy, boy. Still, we will have so. Much. Fun.

Dean was fill with a feeling that could only be described as pure wrath. This is the Circle of Wrath, right? He remembered everything that happened in Violence and how John was the cause for more than half of it. Dean started to punch him, with everything he had inside of him.

The demon was laughing, and Cas’s heart was breaking. He didn’t want Dean to feel like this, he wanted to tell him that physically fighting was not the answer, not in this Circle where the whole point was to make souls fight for the eternity, but he couldn’t.

-C’mon Dean, is this all that you got? Should have known. You are nothing but _Daddy’s blunt little instrument._ You can’t really do much without him, can you? Even when you had him by your side, he would always have to “discipline” you, right? What about that time your little brother shot a deer when it was supposed to be you shooting Bambi? You think he still loved you after that? Has he ever? – Dean was tired of it, of always be expected to reach expectations of others, and especially John’s.

-I said it once and I will say it _again;_ my dad was an obsessed bastard who couldn’t take care of his own family and put it on _my_ shoulders. I don’t know where he is, but I hope he’s in the deepest corner of this place, _forever._ He deserves to be here, **_I don’t_**. And the angel over there just proves it.

-Oh really? Are you that naïve? The angels are going to use you and let you die to go back to where you were, where you belong, in Hell, torturing souls, forever.

Cas wanted to deny it, to tell Dean he was going to make sure Dean was safe and would never came back to Hell, but a piece of his soul was already being torn apart and Cas had to collect it.

-Maybe, maybe not, but you’re not getting under my skin, you’re just a cockroach.

For the first time, Dean didn’t know if he was talking to the demon or to the image of his father, until he decided he was talking to both.

-Look who’s talking. You wanna ignore all the absolute crap your life was? Fine by me. Let’s make up a scenario, shall we? Let’s pretend mommy never died, just a normal family, normal life.

The place started changing, Dean could see everything transforming into his childhood house. He could see himself as a young adult, maybe still a teenager, it was hard to tell, sitting at the dinner table. The demon smiled, still in his father’s form.

-Let’s see how this go. Remember, is not me, I know everything that has ever crossed your head and your daddy’s. – A smile that could make anyone feel disgusted, combined with a singing voice. - This is all him.

He took his place, sitting across Dean’s form. The hunter was confused, but he couldn’t move.

-Dad…

-Shut it. – There were tears in Dean’s eyes, John looed stressed and had his hand on his chin – Just, shut it.

-Please, let me explain…

-Did you not hear me? I said _shut it._ Or does this sickness affect your ability to hear?

-Sickness…? – Dean’s teenager voice broke at that. He couldn’t stop moving his foot the whole time, but when John said this his body froze.

-How else do you “explain” it? Is exactly what this is. Is just gross.

-Dad it was a kiss!

-In another man’s mouth! Who knows how long this has been going on, or if it was really just a kiss or more? I raised you better than this! Is disgusting, is inappropriate, _is a sin._ You are goin’ to _Hell_ because of this, and to be honest, I think the punishment fits the crime! Keep doing this and you will be an abomination to a point of no return.

-Dad, stop, I’m your _son…_

-Not anymore. I don’t wanna hear another God damn word come out of your mouth. You have until the end of the day to clean your things and get out of this house, I don’t care where you’re goin’, what your doin’ just go. Don’t ever, _ever,_ think about coming back, about talking to your brother or so help me God I’ll kill you, I don’t want Sammy any near this thing that’s inside of you, is probably contagious. Get out or I’ll burn everything in your room and I won’t check if you’re inside of it or not before I do so.

Mary was in the corner, looking sad, but she didn’t move.

-Mom, please, help me. Say something.

-She’s not going to say anything because she agrees with me.

At this point Dean was crying. Both of them, the image and the real one. Dean could feel his throat closing, his body giving up. He felt little and defenseless. He wanted to throw up, but more than anything he wanted to punch John until his hands were covered in blood.

All that wrath helped Dean move, finally, and everything happened to fast. Cas was already by his side since the whole story broke more than one part of his soul. He took Cas by the arm and got close to the demon, putting Cas’s hand on his forehead

-Kill him.

-Dean…

-Now! You kill demons with your hand, kill him, now!

John started laughing.

-Damn it, Cas! What are you waiting for?

-Not a demon, boy. Real daddy here.

-What?

-Heaven didn’t want me…

-We certainly did not, you don’t deserve Heaven…

-I’m talking to my son here, Feathery. Those bastards didn’t let me in, so I had to walk in the veil for a while, until I come back downstairs, and when they told me you gave up _so fast_ I had to see it for myself. I couldn’t say I was surprised, you were always _so_ _easy to break…_ But really, the thing that you hate most about our relationship is me not letting you be a rainbow unicorn? Really?

-Shut up!

-Don’t use that tone with me, boy.

-I hate you…

-You idolized me!

-So I could survive! Don’t you think I wanted to go away? I tried to run away so many times, the only reason I always gave up was so Sammy wouldn’t be alone with you!

Dean let go of Cas’s arm and did just what he wanted, what he needed to do for so long. John’s face was almost unrecognizable after a while, Dean’s hand was red with blood. His soul had an awkward configuration, with gold and green fighting against black and red.

Then, relief was the only thing Dean could feel, because he remembered that John was in Hell and was going to _stay_ in Hell, and he was getting _out_ of there.

-You’ll rot in here forever and I couldn’t be happier. When I get back to Earth, I’m going to be myself for the first time in my life just to know that you’ll hate that.

Castiel was sad Dean had to hear all of that, see all of that, but also so happy Dean seemed to finally understand he was worth and that his father’s opinions didn’t matter. That’s exactly the point of this Circle, know this and quit being so angry.

John didn’t know what to do. Dean was supposed to keep fighting him, to be so angry he could barely say anything that made sense.

Cas and Dean began to walk out of there, but before they got out of John’s sight, Dean had to do one last thing.

-Hey, Dad, watch this.

Dean looked in Cas’s eyes. He was really doing it, huh? After years of rejection and self-hatred, Dean allowed himself to do something he wanted to do since he saw Cas’s true form. Everything inside of him was screaming that that was wrong, _so wrong,_ such a _sin,_ but at the same time it was like nothing could be more right, something almost _begging_ him to just do it. Dean kissed him in the most soft and delicate possible way, surprising even himself by doing so. Suddenly, his soul, even smaller with so many pieces missing, was shining gold and green more than ever before.

Cas though, he was as surprised as someone could possibly be. He wasn’t sure to _why_ this was happening, he just knew it was different, new, delicate and _good._ He had heard of how humans show affection, but he was never part of it. He liked it. Especially because it was with _Dean._ Dean, the righteous man, the most beautiful soul he has ever seen, the man that had so much to deal with in his life like Cas have been seeing while they go thought The Circles of Hell. The man that is so loving, caring, and devoted. He was kissing Castiel, in such a beautiful way. Like Dean was somehow… _free._

The kiss ended slowly, with Dean giving pecks on Cas’s lips like he didn’t want this to stop. There where silence for a while, Dean had his eyes closed and their foreheads were touching.

Cas now had his eyes wide open, a feeling of pure enthusiasm growing inside of him. When Dean felt ready, he opened his eyes, but nothing in the world could prepare him to how he felt looking at the ocean blue eyes so close. It was like they were the same blue he saw mixed with white in Cas’s true form. What he saw when he looked slighted down was even better. For the first time he saw Cas smile. To just complete the best moment of Dean’s life, he saw that at some point, Cas’s wings were back on display, with its colors more bright than he remembered. Finally something from his real form that Dean could _actually_ see. He didn’t want to make the same mistake again and lose the chance of touching them, but for some reason Dean felt like that was far too intimate to do in front of someone else.

That was when he went back to reality of being next to John. He looked to the man on the floor, still with his face covered in blood, in a complete mess, but Dean knew him enough to see in his eyes how pissed John was, how he was preparing something long and cruel to say, but Dean was faster.

-You have no power over me anymore.

With that being said and intertwining his hand with Cas’s, they left John behind.


	6. CHAPTER 5 - GREED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Circle of Greed, where Dean is not the only one who has to fight what he really wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like important things need to be said: no, years of repression, homophobia and trauma don't go away easy. Dean's internalized homophobia is something that we as a fandom talk about, and it's SO important to talk about it. But that isn't the only thing that crosses Dean's mind when it comes to his feelings about Cas, from my point of view, so here I exploit more about Dean feeling unworth of love, especially from a divine creature like Cas.  
> I also need to talk about how gender is dealt in this chapter. Is a really short part because I'm cis, therefore I don't have the right to claim anything way to deep about it. The show made a mess when it comes to angels gender, and I know a lot of us are still confused by it, so I used something that I have heard some other fans use as their interpretation. I really hope that what I wrote doesn't hurt anyone, and if you guys see a problem with it please let me know so we can talk about and I can change it to something better.

They left John behind and didn’t say anything for quite some time. Their hands were still holding each other’s.

The thing is: That was one of the most sublime moments of Dean’s life, that’s for sure, but now he was freaking out. What in the hell (literally) was he thinking!? Kiss an _angel?_ An ordinary, impure human like him, kissing such a divine and pure creature like Cas, in a place like Hell? That covered all levels of _wrong._ And he did it in front of his homophobic and abusive father. Nice, Dean! You got the bingo of screwing it up.

Castiel was still in a state of bliss when he notice Dean’s soul was still visible, and he could see the struggle. The bliss was gone.

-Dean, let me hide your soul, you seem to be more comfortable when I’m not seeing it.

Dean was caught by surprise since he was so deep in his thoughts. The angel hide the hunter’s soul again, but that didn’t change the struggle on his face.

-Is everything all right, Dean?

-Huh…

They were in the same place, none of them saying anything. Cas was staring at Dean, and Dean was staring at the floor.

-Dean…

-I’m sorry.

-You are… sorry? For what?

-For kissing you like that. I have no right to do this kind stuff, and I shouldn’t have done it.

-You regret it? – Cas didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling, but it wasn’t nice like what he felt when Dean kissed him.

-Yes. No! I dunno. Is just… It was wrong. – Dean was a mess. He didn’t know if it was his head, his heart or his soul, maybe all of them, in a fight about what to say, how to feel. It felt so good, so right to be kissing Cas, like he finally found something he didn’t even know he was missing, but it was also so wrong, he didn’t know exactly why.

-Is it because I’m in a male vessel? – Cas didn’t want to think like that, but a lot of Dean’s hell was about his sexuality. How with the limited time to get out of Hell he would explain that angels don’t have a gender but when they get a vessel they use what they feel more comfortable with? He wouldn’t change that, for anyone.

-No.

Dean’s response surprised both of them. Yes, when he thinks about it he still feels weird, he still remembers how John taught him in many different ways that it was wrong, he still knows he’s messed up and that he will have a lot of problems dealing with it. The thing is, when he was with Cas, he didn’t think about that. He didn’t think of anything other than _Cas._

Cas, the angel who’s trying to save him, the angel that is pure and innocent and doesn’t get any pop culture references so far in their conversations while looking for the next Circle. Cas, that ever since the first moment he laid eyes on Dean could only see beauty and love when all Dean himself could see was ugliness and pain.

-Then what is it?

-I don’t know. You’re an angel. I saw you, you’re _pure._

-So are you. Why do you refuse to see it?

-‘Cause is not true.

-Are you calling me a liar?

-What? No, is just, you don’t know me…

-You think I don’t know you? There is no way of knowing someone more than seeing their soul. I saw yours. You saw my true form, we both know each other well enough to see who we really are. And Dean, you are _beautiful._ Believe me, please _._

-But I have done so much bad…

-For a reason. Doing bad things is part of being human, I guess. But that is not the only thing in you. In fact, I only noticed it when _you_ pointed it out.

They looked at each other. A lot was going on inside of Dean’s mind. His whole life he thought he was unworthy, and now a literal angel was telling him otherwise. But after sometime, all Dean could think about was kissing Cas again, showing him how much that matters to Dean. Still, he didn’t, because something inside of him, deep in his soul still believed he was not good enough to be this close to an angel.

-We should keep goin’.

-Dean…

-We need to stop The Apocalypse, Cas. We should keep goin’.

Castiel didn’t say anything, but they stared walking again, this time they didn’t hold hands, this time they walked with some distance from each other. They were in Hell, and still, both of them felt cold.

-Cas…

Silence.

-Cas, I didn’t mean to…

Castiel stopped again, annoyed.

-Either we stop and talk about all of it or we don’t talk at all and just get out of here.

-Wow, why are you so worked up? It was just a kiss, after all, right? – Cas changed the look on his face, looking embarrassed. – Cas? Cas… You have been with other people, or huh, angels, before, **_right?_** – The silence was enough for Dean to understand it. If he thought he messed up before… Now it was a whole new level. – Cas, I’m so sorry – Dean said in a soft voice.

-I’m as confused as you are, Dean. I’ve never done any of this. I’ve never even thought about it, because I’m a soldier, that’s what I do, what I’m good at. So, are we really going to talk about it? Because if the answer is no, if we are going to just start a conversation and feel weird and make things even more confusing, we really should just keep going like you said it yourself.

-No, you’re right. It was your first kiss ever?

-Yes.

-It shouldn’t be like that.

-Like what?

-Like, with an ordinary human, in Hell, with an audience.

-For my Father’s sake, understand once and for all, you are _not_ an ordinary human, you are _not_ bad, or unworthy. This is your father still inside of your head. You are capable of caring, of love, of affection, and you deserve them as well.

Dean’s eyes were filled with tears, something made his stomach feel different, like the freaking butterflies teenagers feel.

-I didn’t mean to make you cry, Dean. I…

Castiel couldn’t finish what he was saying, Dean kissed him, and it felt like the first time all over again, but it was also different, more intimate, more private, more pure, exactly how a first kiss should feel but rarely did.

-I know I’m sounding repetitive. I know it. – Dean whispered still so close to Cas – Is just hard for me to believe someone like you could see me like this. How could a soul like yours ever even like a soul like mine?

-I don’t have a soul…

-You know what I meant.

-Dean, I promise you, one day I will be able to make you see yourself the way that I do. And is not just me, Dean. Anyone from Heaven or Hell can see it too. That’s why those demons and gods hate you so much, they never saw someone like you, at the same time they wish they were exactly the same as you.

-I’m a killer – Dean said in a broken voice, then, he felt Cas’s hand cupping his cheek.

-That’s not who you are.

Something inside of Dean started changing. Maybe Cas is right. He wouldn’t lie, right? Maybe, just maybe, Dean was more than he saw, maybe he was better.

-I don’t want to, but we should keep goin’.

-Yes, you are right.

This sound so much better than how they said those almost exact same words before. They were walking close to each other again, not holding hands, but their pinkies touched now and then.

Cas talked more about Heaven, about his siblings, about some of the battles he was in, what he did to win. Sometimes he would say something in a language Dean didn’t understand, which Cas told him was Enochian, his real language, and Dean was amazed by it, silly smile on his face and all.

Dean told some stories himself, some of his hunts, some stuff he learned about history and legends. He never talked about it with anyone else, but with Cas he could share the books he had liked, the times he would search something just out of curiosity, everyone else always seemed not to believe he did those things. He could also talk about some inventions he did, those were his favorites, and Cas seemed genuinely impressed with Dean’s train of thought.

For a human, from the moment they met and now, there were six months.

-I wish we didn’t have to stop talking, but we are getting close to a new Circle again.

-Yeah, sure.

That made Dean come back to reality yet again. How many times his mind has scape from it just in the time he has known Cas? How come their talks feel like he was entering another dimension? Is that something angels do? He didn’t want to fight Hell, he wanted to stay there with Cas, hidden so no demons would interfere, and away from Earth where The Apocalypse was about to begin.

They enter Greed, and Dean immediately holds Cas’s hand. They look everywhere for what should be a threat, but nothing happens.

-There’s something strange happening – Cas doesn’t realize Dean is holding his hand tighter and tighter, looking deeply at him. – We should try to keep going and see if anything is waiting for us more ahead.

-Or we could enjoy there’s no one here.

-To do what?

-You’re telling me you haven’t think about kissing again since the moment we stopped like I am? – The angel is shy and Dean could swore that if he were human he would be blushing.

Cas didn’t want to admit, but yes, he has been thinking about it. Dean didn’t help being… _himself_ , the excitement when they were talking made Cas like him even more, he was so pure, and even when Cas couldn’t understand some human reference, he knew Dean was funny. But also the stares. The countless stares Dean did whenever Cas was talking, looking at his lips and running his tongue over his own lips, Cas noticed that, and how that affected the angel in a different way anything else ever did before.

He didn’t have a lot of time to process what was happening before Dean kissed him, lightly. Cas was a little apprehensive, not because of the kiss, but because they were in the middle of a Circle, it was dangerous. The kiss stopped for split seconds, and started again. Being like that with Dean felt so good, feeling once again like it was the first time. Cas wondered if this is how he would feel every time they kissed. Would there be more times? More moments like this?

The kisses began to change little by little, getting less delicate, becoming faster, deeper, _greedier._ The thing is: _both_ of them were doing this, being affected by it, wanting the other to _want_ them more than anything.

That’s when it hit Cas. Sure, Dean made him feel different, and he wanted to make Dean feel the same way, but his soul was showing, the hunter’s soul only showed itself alone when Dean was fighting Hell. Greed was making them fall into a loop, they could be trapped there forever, because the thing they wanted most was already in front of them, and that’s also why no one else was there.

Dean didn’t seem to figure it out, only wanting to be close to Cas, to feel the angel himself pull the human closer, kiss him deeper, like his life depended on it.

-Dean…

-Shh…

-Dean, listen…

-Can we talk later?

-Dean, no.

That made Dean stop.

-What’s wrong? – concern crossed Dean’s face. Have he done something wrong? Has he crossed a line?

-Is Hell.

-No kidding, Sherlock, we have been here for a while now, nothing new.

Dean leaned in to kiss Cas again, but the angel stopped him.

-You didn’t understand, is Greed. We need to keep going.

-But I wanna kiss you…

- _Hell_ wants you to want to kiss me.

-No, _I_ wanna kiss you, even before we entered this Circle.

-In different levels. We need to go.

-Don’t you want to stay here with me?

-We can’t stay, is Hell, the more we stay, the more it can manipulate us into doing what it wants us to do.

There. Another piece of soul gone. Cas almost couldn’t get it in time.

-Then be my guest, keep going, Castiel.

Dean walked backwards.

-Where are you going?

-Back to Wrath, make sure John gets what he deserves. That’s what Hell wants me to do, am I right?

-Dean you can’t go back, we need to get out and stop The Apocalypse…

-Not my problem. I’m dead, why should I care about humankind’s fate? Go on, try to save them, I won’t.

-Dean, you can’t lie to me, I’m seeing your soul, you’re broken, worried, fighting yourself to do this, you care and want to keep going.

-Nah, not really.

-Fine.

With that Cas gripped Dean by the shoulder, putting his wings out and flying with him to the border of Greed. When they were almost out of it, Cas fell, folding his wings around Dean and him.

-Cas, what just happened? How did you get your license to fly?

-I was trying a luck move. Dean, the only way of getting out of here is if you genuinely want to leave.

-You can go, Cas, I’m coming back to where I belong.

-Have you forgotten everything I said to you?

-Yeah, was that really you, or was it Hell making you say those things, huh? Just to torture me, just to give me hope of having someone really getting me and wanting me and then making it clear it wasn’t real?

-What are you talking about?

-“Is Hell, the more we stay, the more it can manipulate us into doing what it wants us to do.” – Did he sound like a child? Absolutely. Did he care? Not at all.

-Is true, we are inside of Greed, we were being greedy, it wants us to stay here forever and we can’t do that, if we do, soon nothing will ever be enough for us.

-Oh… You’re talking about Hell making us _stay_ here.

-What did you think I was talking about?

-Being with me… - Dean said with a voice that made himself feel little.

-It’s complicated, is a human and an angel, we are in Hell, there’s an Apocalypse to be taken care of, is always going to be complicated, but please remember what I told you. I don’t know what this is, but I _want_ to be with you, just… Maybe not in Hell?

-Yeah, yeah, you’re right.

-Can we go?

-Sure.

They tried to pass through it, and they did. Cas kissed Dean once they were out.

-What was that for?

-So you and your low self-steam, trust issues and abandonment issues can understand that I do like you but right now we need to get out of Hell.

-Copy that.

Silly smiles were back on his face, and the voice – that sounded a lot like John’s – inside of his head telling him that being with Cas is wrong was getting lower and lower.


	7. CHAPTER 6 - GLUTTONY AND LUST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Circles of Gluttony and Lust, where Dean has to fight both of them at once, and he's not the only one suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long to post again, I was busy freaking out with Four Letter Word like the rest of the fandom (highly recommend). This chapter is very short so I'll be posting the next one (also kinda short) right away. I wanted to make them be just one chapter, but I decided not to put 3 Circles together.  
> Hope you enjoy

How could Dean explain what he was feeling? What Cas made him feel? How he was starting to feel like yes, he is good, yes, he deserves good things, no, he shouldn’t be in Hell.

How could Cas explain what he was feeling? What Dean made him feel? How he was starting to feel like no, his siblings many times didn’t treat him like real family, no, God was not a good Father, yes, he wanted to be with Dean and meet all these amazing friends and family of his.

Time in Hell already feels different, but when they were together, it was even more than that. It was like time froze, like there would never be enough time to be together so they just wouldn’t accept time itself.

They were still in Hell, they had to stop talking and kill some demons along the way, but that just made everything fit even more, once they both were soldiers, they both had been brainwashed into fighting, it just felt good to have someone watching your back. It was a different way friends and siblings would do that, knowing that they would die and kill for each other because the other himself were past been just someone else, they were extensions of their beings.

Soon, another Circle approached, _too soon._ Hell was molding itself to contain Dean, Lilith wouldn’t let him go away that easy, and they noticed it. Circles 3 and 2, Gluttony and Lust got together to punish Dean all at once. Gluttony preventing Dean to move with chains all around him, hooks piercing his flesh; Lust causing storms of rocks, hitting him.

Cas was a mess. Seeing Dean like that made him feel like his whole body and true form inside of it were being pressed to his core. What was happening to him?

-CAS! CAS, HELP ME!

-Dean! Dean, listen to me, Hell will punish you for as long as you punish yourself. Gluttony, lust, its all you could do to cope with everything else happening in your life. You starved before, so gluttony was part of your adult life. Your father repressed you your whole life, that’s why lust was also part of it.

Those Circles shouldn’t be this hard to go through, but making Dean understand what Cas was telling him was. Little pieces of his soul falling, the storm making it harder for Cas to fly since there was no floor, everything repeating over and over.

Both of them lost track of how long they were there, but finally they got out. Dean had his punishment.

At this point, Cas only hide Dean’s soul to make it harder for demons to find them, not that there was much left of it. But Dean made sure to let Cas know that hide it was just that, because of demons, Dean didn’t mind Cas seeing it anymore.

-You look concerned, Cas. What’s wrong?

-Back there… Seeing you like that affected me. It shouldn’t.

Dean didn’t know what to say. Seriously. What the fuck was he supposed to say? He wasn’t happy about it, but Cas _was_ supposed to be affected by Dean being so hurt, wasn’t he? Dean also wasn’t flattered by being hurt in the first place.

-Not only there. When we were in Greed, _I_ was also affected by it. It shouldn’t happen, it should only affect you, each Circle gets more difficult for me too. I think… I think I’m falling, Dean.

-Falling… In an angel falling from the sky kind of way, right? Not the human “falling”… in sentiments kind of way?

-I think I’m becoming less of an angel, falling of the sky _because_ I’m falling for you in a very human kind of way…

-So you don’t… want to feel like this, right?

-All I want is to feel like this, if I’m being honest.

Dean’s face lighted up.

-Do you think you still got mojo until we are out of here?

-Yes.

-Let’s get out, then, and we can figured it out when we get back to Earth. Is going to be okay, Cas.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .


	8. CHAPTER 7 - LIMBO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Limbo, they are almost out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the mix of Gluttony and Lust in my head is what we see by the end of Season 3.  
> Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think about the story in the comments.

Limbo felt different from the other parts of Hell. There was this generalized sadness, at the same time it felt more… pure. Felt like they were almost out of Hell, and it didn’t even cross their minds that there was an Apocalypse to be taken care of. All they could think of was being out, being together.

Something that was bothering Dean was: people there didn’t seemed worth of eternal punishment.

-Can’t we help them? It has to be something we can do, is not their fault, not all of them did something worth of being here forever…

-I know, Dean, trust me, I understand, I thought that myself when I was looking for you, but is going to be hard enough for me to get you out, getting all of them by myself is impossible, suicidal even try it, especially if I don’t know how much my feelings for you affect my powers. Besides, not all of them have a body I can put back together to where they can return.

It felt wrong to leave them there. But something else crossed Dean’s mind.

-So… You really have feelings for me… we will figure something out, I promise, but after that…

-There’s an Apocalypse…

-Yes, but if we survive that too… Am I going to keep seeing you? How would this work? I’m assuming I can’t visit you in your cloud.

-Dean, I don’t own “a cloud” – Seeing Cas using his fingers to say that warmed Dean’s heart and put a beautiful smile on his face, that’s for sure. - I don’t think I can return to Heaven at all.

-What? Why?

-Relationships between angels and humans are not encourage. If my siblings find out, I’m afraid they will be against it. They might even hunt us.

-Didn’t they send a lot of angels just to pull me out? Why would they hurt me?

-They have no problem hurting you to get you to say yes to Michael, why wouldn’t they hurt you for being in a relationship with an angel?

-Haven’t we talked about it? I won’t say yes to Michael, we will find another way to stop the Apocalypse once we get back to my family.

-And I said I still don’t know how you’re going to deny saying yes to him.

-Oh my God, when did we get married to be discussing this like it? Cas, I won’t say yes. You think your family will kick you out because we are together? Fine, you come live with me and mine.

-That’s what I’m trying to say, my siblings are not as patient as you think. They won’t just not approve our relationship, they will hunt us down, we won’t live anywhere, we will always be on the run.

-Really? Oh, then I think we shouldn’t be together ‘cause what you just described seems awful, almost like… What was it? OH YEAH, my whole life! Do I seem to give a fucking shit if we have a house with a white fence or live in shitty motels and my car? ‘Cause I don’t, I just want to be with you, damn it!

-Okay, fine! Them we live running together, happy!?

-Yes! What about you?

-Yes!

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Well, congrats to us, we just had our first couple fight.

-Well, I wouldn’t say it was a fight, just a misunderstanding…

-Yeah, whatever, now I’m just pissed we don’t get to disclose it like a normal couple would do ‘cause we’re in Hell.

-How would a normal couple disclose it?

-I’ll show you once we get out of here.

-Okay. – Once more, Dean was certain Cas would be blushing if he was human, what just encourage the hunter to wink at him more often.

-Are you really going to do this? Rebel? Are you sure.

-I never agreed with their plan, I agree even less now that it involves you, therefore me, so much to the core of it. They are wrong, they act wrongly, and I don’t care. It’s the orders my Father gave them, but I never even talked to Him, not really, not face to face, because he was never there. He left us, why shouldn’t I? – There is no other way to describe Dean’s reaction other than “heart eyes”.

-Seems to me that you already have The Winchester Attitude. Sammy’s goin’ to love ya.


	9. CHAPTER 8 - ANTE INFERNO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ante Inferno, the last part of Hell before they can get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost there, people. I really hope you enjoy it.

Getting to the Ante Inferno took longer than they thought it would, but they were finally there. Feeling so more comfortable around each other at the same time all of it felt new. Discussions and bickering were also part of it, both of them being so stubborn; with the other making them admit sometimes they were wrong, that if they knew each other back then, they would try to stop it, to find other solutions.

Cas making Dean realize Sam is not a kid anymore, that he knows how important they are to each other, that growing up the only thing they had was one another, but that they can’t keep being so codependent.

Dean making Cas realize that humankind do need help, guidance, that ignore all of that is not going to do any good. That he understands how it feels like to have an absent father, that it wasn’t Cas’s fault, that he is better than God because he didn’t give up or ran away for a millennia, and that Cas was prove that speaking up for himself is a good thing, that they don’t depend on their fathers.

And of course, with them being so close to get out, the amount of demons trying to stop them was getting bigger. Both of them fighting side by side had become almost a dance, so coordinate, so easy, like a second nature. Just like all the fights after that when they would scream at each other because putting themselves in front of the other to sacrifice their chance so at least one could get out was not okay either.

Once they got to the Ante Inferno, they couldn’t stop smiling. The place had a strange vibe, every person and angel that couldn’t chose between Heaven or Heel, Good or Evil, God or Devil, all of them tormented for eternity into making decisions, choosing when that’s the only thing they couldn’t do when alive. Still, so close to get out. Adrenaline travelling through them knowing that they made a choice, they would never be trapped there because they choose to be together.

Dean choose The (Possible Fallen) Angel of The Lord, the glorious warrior, the mighty, the adorable, the cutest of all, Castiel.

Cas choose The Righteous Man, the unstoppable soldier, the selfless, the beautiful, the somehow funny, Dean.

Dean’s soul was reduced to a little sparkling spot, and still, shining like never before, the black and red almost all gone, gold and green taking place of it.

-So… we’re here.

-Yes, we are.

-We went all the way through Hell together. I say that makes us one hell of a couple.

-You’re not as funny as you think, you know that, right, Dean?

-Shut up, I’m hilarious.

-You prepared?

-Is it going to hurt?

-Unfortunately.

-But you’ll be here?

-All the way through.

-Then I’m prepared. The plan is: you put my soul back together, then put my body back together, and use my soul to fill it like I’m an apple pie, right?

-You know, in moments like this I would expect my boyfriend to be serious. Of course, that’s stupid of me to assume, since my boyfriend is you. – Dean was half trying to stop a laugh, half unable to control his smile. – What?

-You called me your boyfriend. Twice.

-Shut up.

A moment of silence. They did that sometimes, it was always comfortable, but now it had a bitter taste. Fear. Dean wanted just one last long kiss, but Cas seemed unable of letting him go.

-Okay, we need to do this, Cas.

-Okay.

-Can I ask you something?

-Sure, anything.

-When you put my body back together, can you leave a mark?

-A… mark? What do you mean?

-Like, your hand on my shoulder was the first time we touched, right? You did that to make me believe you and get out of the pit. Maybe could you leave a mark of that? Like a tattoo, something like that.

-I think I can do something about it, yes.

-Awesome.

-Can I ask you why?

-I want to have you craved in me at all times. My guardian angel, savior, sexy boyfriend, ya know, the whole package.

-You got it.

-Thanks for the journey, Cas. Can’t wait to have my body back so I can actually take your breath away.

-Why would you… - Seriously if Dean rolled his eyes one bite more he was afraid they wouldn’t come back to the place. Of course, he only did that for less than a second before kissing Cas. – Okay, got it.

-Okay buddy, time to put the show on the road. Also: you can peek all you want while putting my body back together. – The sound that followed was nothing less than Cas’ hand hitting the back of Dean’s head. – Ouch. Stop being kinky Cas, I haven’t even choose my safeword yet. Ouch! Okay, no more jokes.

Cas began the process. Putting a soul back together is not an easy process, is almost like disarming a bomb, and Cas’ tears weren’t helping him focus. He was absolutely in love with Dean, with every little piece of soul, with every nuance of golden and green, black and red. With every piece that loved so deeply his brother, his family, and even Cas himself in the middle of it now. Hearing Dean cry out of pain wasn’t helping either.

It felt like forever. I felt like it would never end, but even in pain, Dean trusted Cas. Even in pain like he never felt before, he knew it was going to work, ‘cause Cas is the one who’s putting him back together.

And then, Cas did it. Step 1 was done, soul back in one piece. Step 2: reconstruct Dean atom by atom. Cas took his time here. It was the first time he was actually interacting with Dean’s body, and yet he felt like coming home, like he was on a road where he knew exactly where he had to go, what he had to do, allowing him to appreciate the view, the journey, every turn, every muscle, every freckle, every strand of hair.

Making both of his works together wasn’t complicated, only painful, for both of them.

-It’s okay, Dean, I’m right here. All the way through, with you.

They made it. They made it happen. Dean was back, body and soul, back to life, to real life, not just a spectrum of what was supposed to be a body, not the beautiful blinding light either.

-Cas, did it work?

-It did, Dean, it worked.

-It worked! Holy crap it worked! Come here you sexy angel, lemme kiss you properly.

Yep, the exact same rollercoaster of emotions with the subtle change of carnal experience.

-I fucking love you, Cas.

-I love you too, Dean.

There. They said it. Every single letter, they said ‘I love you’ and none of them was afraid to say it.

-Well, isn’t it cute? Am I interrupting the couple?

For fuck’s sake they would never catch a break, would they?

-Who are you? – Panic fluttered through their bodies, if both of them said it at the same time, means none of them knew who that was.

-Name’s Chuck.


	10. CHAPTER 9 - RENEGADE ICARUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of their journey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, guys. The last chapter of the story. I will post the epilogue right away. I hope you enjoyed, and hey, maybe this will be part of someone's head canon as part of the show.

-Name’s Chuck. Castiel, just please don’t call me Daddy, humans made me flinch when I hear this word come out of one of my children’s mouth.

-What…?

-Chuck, God, Father, take your pick.

-You’re God? You?

-What’s the problem, Dean?

-God looks like this? Little disappoint, that’s it, though you may be taller.

-You really believe you’re funny, don’t you?

-Why are you here? – Castiel spoke for the first time, a mix of feelings boiling inside of him.

-What’s the matter, Castiel, didn’t you miss me?

-No.

-Easy there, I may have missed some birthdays, but does that makes me that much of a terrible father?

-Yes it does. I’ve never even met you before.

-Okay, but you’re meeting me right now, shouldn’t we all be happy?

-Again, no.

-Watch your tone.

-Oh you can suck it. – Even Dean was taken aback with this one. – You abandoned us, all of your children, then you abandoned all of your human creation, angels are going insane thinking that letting Lucifer out of the cage to start The Apocalypse is a good idea, billions will die, not to mention the billions that already have. You didn’t care to show up before, why would you care to show up now?

Was Dean scared to death to see someone talk like that to God? Hell yes. Was he damn proud of his boyfriend saying those things to his absent father? You better fucking bet he was.

-Yeah, yeah, abandonment issues, yada, yada, yada, but the adult will talk now. I’m God, so you better show me some respect. I’m a writer, I write things, and this, this is my favorite show ever. Sam and Dean are the most deep and fascinating characters I’ve written. I love to see them killing each other in the end. This one was going great, so you can imagine my surprise when my son suddenly decide to chance the lines of the script. It was interesting at first, but now you two lovebirds want to actually stop The Apocalypse? I don’t think so. One thing is having fun watching you try, but see that you’re not following my lead and can cause some real trouble is a complete different thing.

-Our lives are a fucking TV show to you!?

-What did I say, Dean? The adult is talking. Now, I want to see where this go, just needed to make sure is something still under control. You’re a very interesting creature, Castiel, there’s something different in your chassis. We’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen before the right time. Time to some authors notes: the whole thing with Hell being like Dante’s Inferno is fun but not so original, somehow it did fit Dean’s personality, and that won’t work if Sam is going to be trapped in the cage later.

-What!?

-That reminds me that souls being able to be broken in pieces will also mess up Sam’s story. What can I do so the trauma really stick? Maybe… pretend everything is okay behind a protection and suddenly break it? Oh! Make Sam see Lucifer even out of the cage, it will drive him nuts! Yeah, that should be fun. No more souls into pieces. Speaking about Sam, I really want to keep the demon blood addiction going on, but that might be too much, who knows, I’ll look into it later. Maybe he shouldn’t be the main character anymore, this thing between you two has potential. Maybe I should give you more seasons. Oh me, I’m so excited, this never happened before, I have no idea what Castiel here will do. Will that interfere with your decision-making, Dean? I bet it will. Okay, okay, calm down Chuck, don’t think much about it, let it be a surprise, is going to be good, just let him know less things about The Apocalypse, let’s see how he works with less information.

-We are not going to keep being your puppets you sick son of a bitch.

-The “son of a bitch” really is catchy, isn’t? Here’s the deal: I don’t care you don’t like it, you don’t get a saying in this, I will just wipe your memory and see where this goes. You wanna fight it? Fine, torture it is then, you seem to like it.

-You won’t hurt Dean, I won’t let you.

-That’s sweet. I really am curious about this, but I have a whole plot ready, so this will have to wait. Can you do this for me, Castiel? Can you be patient? There is more than one love interest to Dean planned already, I was putting some clues about him being bisexual until I was sure that was something I wanted to go with, but now it seems more interesting than ever. Of course, him being repressed and traumatized will make the trick to make him behave like the women heartbreaker that he is. Oh, oh! I can make a male love interest for him _while_ you two try this figured this thing out! Love triangle with the amount of trauma he has? Is going to be amazing. 

-We won’t do what you want, Chuck.

-Cut the drama, there’s no other way, you’re only delaying the inevitable.

-Screw you!

-And that’s a wrap on being nice. Dean-o there really changed your vocabulary, huh? Here’s the deal: either you shut up, let me keep the show going like the nice puppets you’re, no pain, no nothing, Castiel here take you out of Hell the way **I** planned, you’ll met in a few days, piece of cake. _Or,_ I will take him anyway and play doctor to give him a forced lobotomy, with lots of games until he forgets what happened here. You’ll forget that you met him at all and we rewind a bit to create a different kind of Hell marked in your brain. Same origin to your love story, different memories. How does that sound?

Complete fear was all over their faces, no idea what to do. Everything happening now was hurting Dean more than all the pain of Hell and being put back together.

Was that really happening? When he got rid of his father’s abuse to be free and happy with Cas, fucking God Himself show up and do this?

Was Castiel for the first time experiencing happiness, _real happiness,_ just so his Father come back and end all of it? After so long, _that_ was the moment God decided to be back?

-I’m getting bored with all the wait, boys. What’s gonna be?

Eternity. The Universe. That’s what it felt like to both of them while they looked each other deep in the eyes.

Dean couldn’t be the cause of so much pain to Cas. Not after falling so hard for him, not after everything Cas went through to get him out of Hell, not after making Cas decide to abandon everything and everyone he ever met just to be with Dean. This was to much.

-Go with him, Cas. Let’s take the easy way, once in our lives. We’ll find each other again, we’ll met again in few days, I promise I’ll love you again. I’ll defend you, care for you, I’ll _need you. We’re family._ It will work. You’ll still be the one to grip me tight and raise me from perdition.

-I won’t do this, Dean. I won’t forget you, forget _us._ Not on purpose, not without a fight.

-Cas, please…

-I said no, Dean.

-Lobotomy it is, then. – The scream of pain that left Cas’ lips with just one move of Chuck’s finger had to be the worst thing Dean ever heard.

-Cas, no! This isn’t fair and I’m not worth it! Please… Please leave me, do as He says, _please…_

-Listen to your human, Castiel. Easy way or hard way? You can still choose.

Kneeling in from of Dean, with the worst physical pain he ever felt, Cas remembered something a human wrote once, something that he wasn’t sure if it followed the mythology right, but couldn’t be closer to how he felt about Dean, about what was happening. 

-“I am Icarus. Many people see my death as a tragedy; that is very wrong. In my opinion, they did not tell you, when Apollo gave me wings, they did not tell you that I knew I would burn in flames, I knew. You see, I knew the agony I would face, and as I fell, I knew I did it for the _sun,_ as hot burning wax slithered down my spine, as seductive kisses of agony peppered my skin and muscle, I laughed… I laughed as where I saw beauty, others saw pain. I loved it. You see, it was addictive and even Dionysus would marvel at my insanity, there is no beauty without pain and now as I wait for judgement, in the land of Hades I ask myself, ‘Was it _worth_ the fall for the sun?’, and I answer, ‘ _Yes_ , yes it was’.” – Hot tears burnt down Cas’s cheek. – You are my sun, Dean. So no, I will not leave you, I will not forget you if I can stop it.

-Cas…

-Awn, how cute. You see, “Cas”, the problem here is that you **can’t** stop it. There’s no real choice here. - Chuck snapped his fingers, and two more people, creatures, were with them. –Naomi here will take Castiel to Heaven and will clean his head; new memories will be in that little angelic brain by the time you meet again on Earth. As for you, Dean, Lilith will take you back and when you get to Alastair, your memories will already be changed.

-Cas! – Chains were put around Dean’s body

-Dean! – An angel blade was put in Cas’ neck.

-You take your hands off of him you bitch!

-You two better shut up. Oh, by the way, I’m keeping the scar idea. Marked by Heaven while your brother is cursed by Hell? Talk about symmetry.

One last look between them, one last attempt to memorize every single detail.

-Is okay, Dean, I’ll watch over you. We’ll remember. There’s one thing you can’t change, Chuck. Dean Winchester is saved!

One last chance for Castiel to see him. Scared, sad, angry, so many emotions across his face. But still beautiful, still Dean Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw the poem Cas recites on Tiktok, you can find the author at @an_sifakah on Instagram and their work is also on Pinterest.


	11. EPILOGUE

It was dark, that’s for sure. Was he in a coffin? Was he _alive? How?_

Breathing was hard, he needed to get out of there. His muscles almost giving up, he could feel dust getting into his nostrils, digging his way out of the ground. The first breath of air making him feel a little better.

Now all the way out, looking around, he could see a circle of dead trees. He needed to figured out where he was, how to find Sammy and Bobby, and most of all, _who_ or _what_ took him out of the pit. 

* * *

-Talk to me, Naomi, how did the lobotomy go?

-Perfect. He surely fought, _hard,_ but I was able to make him forget the summer romance he had with the hairless ape. I also put a trigger, every time he try to remember Hell, or his feelings towards the Winchester, I’ll know and we’ll be able to convert him again.

-Excellent. The show must go on.

♪♫ God was never on your side ♫♪


End file.
